The Summarized 30 Day Survey thing.

So Britney, I totally jacked this off of your blog. It seemed pretty interesting, and it's more for me than anyone else. If someone happens to read it, cool. So, for those of you tuned in, this apparently is the "Summarized 30 Day Survey". I really hate to go "Myspace" on everyone and post a fucking survey on my blog, but this is one that you're supposed to do over the course of 30 days. And some of these questions need to be answered by me, to me. For my own mental stability. Enjoy.


Something you hate about yourself.
Hmm. A toughie really. I sometimes feel like a borderline narcissist. But if I had to pinpoint something I really just don't like about myself, I'd have to say its how completely and utterly lazy I can be. Don't get me wrong, for the most part I'm a very driven and goal-oriented individual, but when I switch in to "lazy mode", forget it. That turns into "procrastination mode", which morphs into "complete lack of care mode", and then leads to "smoke a lot of pot and do nothing all day mode". I have done and seen a lot of things in my short 22 years on this rock, but I know that I've also missed out on a bunch due to my laziness. Finally maturing a bit (yes, a bit) and actually going out and seeing places and things finally put it into scope for me. No more laziness! (At least not as often as before. haha)


Something you love about yourself.
Here we go! This is more like it. Where to begin?! I mean, there are just SO many things that I LOVE about myself! Real talk, I may put on this sort of persona for people in which I'm just an ego maniacal, self centered, cocky jerk, but it's all for laughs. I'd like to believe, and my close friends can attest, that I'm just a fun loving, down to earth guy. What I love about myself is my never-ending supply of optimism. Throughout my life, I guess there's nothing I could do that others couldn't. I guess I've always just been dumb enough to give things a shot that most wouldn't. Eccentric enough to figure out a way around, some of my limits. And care-free enough to accept failure, over and over again. Each and every time, with the naive anticipation of success. And I love that about myself because most people aren't like that. The reason I'm still alive and I think my only true gift, is the ability to analyze and react with mental clarity in truly horrible situations. Well, that plus a lot of luck. :) Oh, I've also been told I have a kick-ass smile, an awesome and easy to get along with personality, and devilishly handsome good looks. Aaaaaaannnnnndddd he's back!


Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Honestly, this is a tough one. It's probably going to be a tie. I've done a lot of retarded shit in my life. I've hurt a lot of people, mainly the people whom are closest to me. If I had to forgive myself for anything, it would be for causing my loved ones so much grief and pain. I know they've forgiven me for it, but I think that's something that I still need to work on just letting go. The second one is going to definitely be letting that person (if you're reading this, you know who you are) go all those years ago. No regrets, but literally one of the biggest mistakes I've ever made, and I'm still paying for it to this day. Forgive yourself, Fabian.


Something you have to forgive someone for.
Can't be a complete and total asshole without some form of daddy issue eh? If I have to forgive anyone for anything, that spot's reserved to the sperm donor. I never met the guy, and I was too little to remember him, but the fact that he was such a spineless fuck and bailed on my mom and my sister disgusts me. Don't get me wrong, we turned out perfectly fine. My mom met a great dude and married him when I was two, so he's the only dad I've ever known, but I think on some sort of subconscious level my biological father bailing on us has kind of fucked me up. My close friends and family say that I should just contact him and mesh things out. They say I'll feel better if I do. I don't know. I know I NEED to forgive him before it's too late. I'm just not sure if I want to, or if he even deserves it.


Something you hope to do in your life.
Oooohh! So many things to choose from. I'll narrow it down to a few, the most important ones. Number 1! I hope to raise a family and be the best husband / father to ever walk the earth. Better than Bob Sagat in Full House. Yup. Number 2. I hope to be able to graduate and find a job that I love to do. My mind's been scrambling the last couple of days and I know what my calling is. Music and writing. Lets get it done! Number 3. I hope to, after I graduate college, plan a trip to Europe and Asia and see the fuckin' world. I want to backpack and experience different cultures and I won't front, I want to eat all the food. I want to experience life!


Something you hope you never have to do.
Easy. I hope I never have to be lowering the casket on my children or my wife. Oh, I also hope I never have to eat dog shit. That'd be way gross.


Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Is it completely fucked up that even before I finished reading the question I knew who it was? Cynicism aside, I think that I have made my own life worth living for. Through my fuck ups, my achievements, my falls and my rises, I can sit here and tell you that you shouldn't live your life for anyone but yourself. That being said, I can't really entirely stand by that because while, yes, I have played a pivotal role in making my life worth living, so has someone else. Laura, I don't think I would have made it this far without you. You have done so much for me without even realizing it. You know what you gave me? Hope. That's something that no one will ever take from me and that I still carry to this day. I love you.


Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
This one's also gonna have to go to me. Its true when they say that you're your own worst enemy. For a few years in the latter part of my adolescence, I really was the only person making my life as shitty as it was. Since then, I've learned about self worth (maybe a little too much) and have moved onto bigger and better things. Someone else kind of indirectly made my life hell for a while during my late teens, but I think it'd be best to leave that person unnamed and bury the fuckin' hatch. :)


Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Laura. Plain and simple. We're close now, and we've come a very long way from being two stupid teenagers sitting on a park bench, but we've definitely strayed a bit, which I think we've both been trying to remedy. I'd also have to say my really good friend Aly. I wish things didn't go down they way they did. You were an awesome friend Aly, and I treated you wrong. I hope you know that I'm sorry and I miss you.


Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Meh. I think everyone I've met and things that I've experienced have made me the person that I am today. No regrets. Even the people who flat out don't like me. They say bad press is still press, right? haha


Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
My smile, for sure. Life is too damn short to NOT be smiling all the time, right? Plus, this smile cost my folks three grand, better show it off! I also get told how tall I am, like, ALL the time. Not sure if it's a compliment, but I hear it enough to start taking it as such. :)


Something you never get compliments on.
Something I never get compliments on? Hmm...Well, I've never been complimented on my ruggedly handsome features, which leads me to believe that either A) I don't have ruggedly handsome features, or B) People are SO dumbfounded by my rugged handsomeness, that they can't put it into words. A is probably true, but B gets me through the day. Truth is, I look 12.


A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough days.
Anything in my current iPod. Trust me, being a person who's life revolves around music, for me it was specific songs that got me through tough times rather than bands as a whole. "My Heroine" by Silverstein, "Don't Call Me Peanut" by Bayside, and "Alive with the Glory of Love" by Say Anything are just a few examples.


A hero that has let you down.
I think I'm fortunate enough to look up to the right people. Luckily, none of them have let me down. Yet.


Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
I'm taking this as a two part question. Something I couldn't live without would definitely be, at the expense of sounding extremely cliche', my cell phone. Tried it for a week and I almost died. Literally. Almost died.(Blown water pump on Jake's Ford Fuckus, stranded in BFE Nevada) SomeONE I couldn't live without, would definitely be my madre. Sounds gay, I know, but that lady has put up with more just from me, than most parents put up with from 3 or 4 kids. I have stolen from her, lied to her repeatedly, and been the biggest asshole to her at times, but she still loves me unconditionally. Which is awesome for me, because you don't really find that anywhere else nowadays. Not everyone cares enough to look past your flaws and still think the sun shines out of your ass. I love you mom! And all this was typed at the expense of sounding like a total momma's boy. Which I'm not. Ok, maybe a little.


Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Cancer. Too blunt?


A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Any of the Harry Potters! Life changing! Sorry, I'll stop trolling. My Friend Leonard and A Million Little Pieces helped me through some tough spots and definitely changed my outlook when it was grim at best. Also, The Picture of Dorian Gray made me change the way I look at people in general.


Your views on gay marriage.
If they want to be as miserable as straight people, by all means. Let the gays get married, America, for real.


What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
The two things you're supposed to never talk about, meshed into a single question? Challenge accepted! The following statement may or may not offend some of you, but this is my blog so I could care less. Religion to me is a bunch of bullshit. Especially the made up religions like Scientology and Mormonism. Mormonism, which if you really think about, was the Scientology of it's time. They were both created by drug addicted sociopaths. Now, as for the OTHER religions, mainly Christianity, I personally feel like they're here mainly as a way to help people get through their days and cope with the idea of dying. I would much rather believe that when I die I get to go to some magical place in the clouds instead of just rotting in the ground, but we also have to be realistic here. Religion is a bunch of bull. Plain and simple. Does that mean I don't believe in a higher power? Absolutely not. I do believe there are forces at work here that are bigger than just you or me. I don't need a religion to know that or tell me that, though. The idea of God is one thing; when people start throwing religion into the fray is when things get fucked up. It's great on paper, but the heart of man is full of greed. Science flies people to the moon, religion flies people into buildings. Nuff said. Now, onto politics. The majority of our nation's politicians are crooks and liars who are simply trying to push their capitalistic-consumer agendas on to all of us. If the Forefathers would have known just how corrupt the government they fought so hard to create would become, I'm sure things would be different.


Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Now, being someone who was completely and utterly lost to drugs, my opinion may be a bit biased, so I'll start with alcohol. I'm of age. Do I think it's wrong to indulge in the consumption of alcohol in a safe environment from time to time? Absolutely not. I'll admit, I like to drink beer with food. It's delicious to me. Do I go out with the intent to get smashed? No. Does it happen? Sometimes. But I don't drink with the intention of using it as some sort of escape mechanism. That's where the problem lies. People who use drugs and alcohol as a means to escape their problems or everyday lives. I'll be the first to admit that I recreationally smoke marijuana. Do I do it to numb myself from how bad my life is? No, because my life is awesome. I smoke it because it's fun and makes you feel rad. Obviously I do this in an environment in which I'm not putting myself of others in danger. People are so down on the Mary Jane, when in reality, it would solve more problems by legalizing it then it would create. Legalize it, sell it, tax the shit out if it. Voila. Instant money maker. Since the government would be growing it and selling it, not to mention taxing it, that would be money straight into their pockets, hence getting the country out of this retarded recession that Obama has failed to get us out of. My mentality is, if grows in the ground and nothing is added to it, you should be good to go. Here's a little message though, little inspirational quip. There's nothing in this life that you CAN'T turn into heroin. Remember that.



(Scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Not let some petty fucking argument get in the way of me and my best friend. I'd drop whatever I was doing and help my best friend. What a retarded question.


Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
On one end I could say drugs, because I'd probably be in a completely different spot in life. At the same time though, all of my fuck ups and my flaws, and the stupid choices that I've made have led me to this very spot. I like where I am and I like the person that I've become. Wouldn't change it for anything.


Something you wish you had done in your life.

Gone to college right out of high school. Taking that year break was a terrible idea hahaha. That, and I wish I'd had the balls back in high school to say what I really felt to the person who meant the most to me.


Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)

You know the songs, and you know who you are. :)


The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Honestly? Luck. Lot's of fucking luck. Luck and optimism, for sure. Things get better. Sometimes they just have to get extremely fucked up before they do. It's always darkest before dawn, or so I've heard. :)


Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
You know, there were a few times when shit got to the point where I honestly thought: "Wow, I could just die right now and this would be over. All the bullshit and tough times. Gone." but it never got to the point in which I wanted to act on it. Like I said earlier, I'm blessed with being extremely optimistic and that definitely got me through the points in my life where I didn't think I'd be able to make it. The best way out....is always through.


What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Everything. I'm at a point in my life that I haven't been in a while, and that's completely and utterly happy. I have a great job, I'm starting school again, I have the best friends a guy could ask for. My life is the best thing I got going for me right now. Hands down. Only thing I really need now is a lady friend....hahaha


What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Raise the little shit. Love him (yes, him. I'm only having boys.) unconditionally. If you made the conscious decision to be hittin' the sheets without protection, then you have to man the fuck up and take responsibility for your decision. Because, for the most part, sexual intercourse without the use of contraceptives leads to pregnancy. Wrap that shit up and you won't have issues!


Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
I hope to change, or tweak rather, certain aspects of my life. The biggest one being my health. I'll be the first to admit that since my move to Utah, I've been slacking on the healthy food department. I've been eating like shit. I want to be healthy and fit. I want to get back into the groove of hitting the gym 4 times a week and eating healthy. I also hope to change my sometimes lack of motivation and overall laziness. I'm a work in progress, people!


A letter to yourself: tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.
My kind of thing right here!

Dear Fabian,

Hey man, it's me....you. Just wanted to let you know that I love everything about you. You're funny, smart, a great listener, and an even greater friend. You have a family that loves you and friends that would do anything for you. You like to front like you're a tough guy, but I know that deep down you're one of the most caring individuals I know. But what I love most about you is everything you're not. You're not desperate for anyone's approval or attention. You're not fake. You're not a carbon copy of every other dude. You're unique as fuck man! You're perfect just the way you are, even with all of your flaws and issues. You just gotta find someone who feels the same way about you as I do! That being said, quit being such a lazy ass, finish your fucking Bachelor's, hit the gym and get back in shape, quit being such a pussy and just tell her how you fucking feel...be an Alpha Male! Most of all, cherish every moment as if it were your last. I love you man, I'm looking forward to spending the rest of eternity with you, whether it be rotting in the ground or in some magical cloud kingdom. :)

Yours Truly,
Fabian