The winds of change.

Deja vu. I feel like I've been here before. Packing for a move, and becoming increasingly bored enough to want to stop and do something; anything else. So here I am, updating my blog on my porch. This porch that has served as a surrogate shrink. With it's musty, earthy smell. Rotting boards. Chipping paint. If this porch could speak, it would speak of heartaches and secrets shared. Of happiness. Of unbearable sadness. Of epiphanies, and of denials. This dirty, decrepit porch has become more for me than I ever would have imagined. I feel that it's fitting I do my final blog update in Utah on this porch. Out of respect. Out of gratitude. I've come here to get my mind off of the task at hand; if only for a little while. The day is absolutely gorgeous. A solid 65 degrees without a cloud in the sky. It makes the mountains next to this house that much more breathtaking. A myriad of the most vivid reds, yellows, and oranges against a backdrop of sky blue. Crazy to think that not even two weeks ago, this whole mountain side was a cornucopia of greens and browns. The winds autumn have arrived, and with them, the winds of change. If it's one thing I'll miss along with this porch, it'll be this view. The smells of wet trees after a downpour. The smell of burning firewood and autumn air. It's starting to finally sink in...that like these leaves, I too will change. In a week, I'll be leaving this place that I've grown to love, and despise. I will be turning from green to red. This move feels different than all of the rest, however. I'm in a zen-like state. I don't feel anything. I don't feel a great deal of joy, even though I think I should. I don't feel sad. To be honest, the only thing I really feel right now is annoyance. Aggravated that I have to pack up all my shit. I don't regret moving to Utah at all. I've learned a lot about myself. A lot about what kind of person I am. You think you have it all figured out, you know? You think you're a smug, clever guy and you have the world and everyone in it figured out. Then you meet that ONE person, man. That one person who takes every ill-conceived notion you've made about everything and they shatter them. They show you things about you you'd long forgotten, or didn't even know. And they don't even do it knowingly. It just happens one day when they smile at you and you look into their eyes. Or you find yourself divulging things long kept hidden, because that person has restored your faith and trust in people. This type of person only comes around once every few years, but when they do, the impact they make on you lasts until the day you die. I met that person in Utah. What the future holds for us is shrouded in uncertainty. People come and go from you life as seamlessly as these leaves transition with the seasons. What I do know, is with this knowledge acquired, I'm changing for the better. Utah, thank you so much for everything you've shown and taught me, but I feel as if I've over stayed my welcome.

Moving, for the sake of motion.

As if by some cosmological twist of what some people refer to as "fate", it would appear that all signs point me back to Las Vegas. Ok, let me rephrase that. Everything is pointing me to move back to Vegas...sooner than I had originally planned. Typical Fabian. I have a knack for making the most eloquent and sophisticated of plans, and life has this knack for not giving a fuck and flipping the script on me. Almost as if I'm a child; building grandiose sand sculptures...only to have someone come kick it all down and tell me I should probably be looking for buried treasure instead. My original plan was to stay firmly planted in the state of Utah until late spring, giving myself enough time to amass a large amount of currency to be able to financially support myself if I were to have found myself jobless. Certain things have transpired recently, however, which are forcing me to abandon aforementioned plan and come up with Plan B: "Move back to Vegas at the end of the month." Part of me is super stoked to be moving back. Back to a place where the majority of things make sense to me. Where people are more diverse; and with said diversity, tend to be a tad bit more open-minded and to put it bluntly, more interesting. Utah people are about as exciting as American cheese and bologna on Wonder bread with mayo. I'm more of an "oven-roasted turkey breast and havarti/gouda cheese on freshly baked honey wheat bread, with a chipotle aoli" kind of guy, if you catch my drift. (The fact that I just turned my analogy of people into sandwiches is enough to attest to that) I'm moving back to a place where things don't close at 10pm. Where there is always some sort of late night adventure, just waiting to be explored. I'll also be about an hour away from my parents, which I know my mom is thrilled about. All these things aside, I'm also nervous. The move feels premature. I had chiseled it into my cranium that I would move at the end of the spring, so now I'm subconsciously worrying about my monetary situation. So what's making me change my plan, you may be wondering? My roommate Alex got the green light to transfer to the Las Vegas branch of the restaurant he works for, and he's been reluctantly staying in Utah for the past 2 years, so you could imagine his joy at the news of being able to transfer ASAP. With that said, he sure as shit wasn't moving by himself, and he's not really the kind of dude to just move in with a random roommate, so naturally I was hounded by him to move as well. I thought about it for a couple of days. Arduously. Nothing is really holding me to this state, so it really wouldn't make sense for me to stay any longer than I need to. I got the okay to transfer to an Outback out there as well, but I still can't shake this feeling of anxiety. I don't want to move and after all of my apartment fees are settled, be left with little to nothing. I've been a fuck up my entire life. Arguably by choice. Sure, I've gotten into some awesome shenanigans and met a grip of wonderful people, but I'm tired of doing things the wrong way. I'm 23 years old and I need to grow up and be a grown up. This move will make me or break me. My resolve's been tested more times than I can care to count, but I feel this trial is big. My life's on the line here, in a way. I've noticed I have this trend of saying that the universe will tend to unfold itself as it should. I solemnly believe that. However, I'm done just leaving it up to "fate" to decide my...well...fate. A man makes his own luck, and I'll be damned if I let my second shot at Vegas fail. Vegas, I hope you're ready for round two. I'm coming for your throat.

Stare like you'll stay.

You did. Our gazes locked for what seemed to be an eternity contained within a millisecond. Every fiber of my being wanted to implore you to stay. Every shred of common sense urged me to keep my mouth closed and let you go. So I did. You stared at me like you'd stay. Like I'd be seeing you the next day. You kissed me and you walked deftly into the night. It's been a month, and not a day's gone by that I haven't missed you. Your laugh. The way your hair smelled. Everything. Some days have been easier than others. Some days I'm bitter. Others, I'm completely and utterly oblivious to the fact you're no longer here. Almost like I'm blissfully ignorant, yeah? This isn't who I am, you know. From confident to self doubt. I don't like looking at my phone every two minutes to check if you've texted me. I'm not normally like that. I mean, I'm not that way with anyone else. Why you? What makes you so different? There are days when we don't even talk, but you'll cross my mind when I see something that reminds me of you, and I'll just quietly hope you're having a good day. Hope you're finding the things you left to go search for. Happiness? A renewed sense of self? I won't truly ever know the exact reasons for your departure, but whatever they may be, I often find myself wishing you the best of luck in fulfilling them. Surrounded by the people whom you've known longer than I can dream you'll know me. It's intimidating, in a way. Almost as if I'll never be up in that echelon, despite the fact that I'd move mountains to make sure you had a smile on your face. And that's slowly sinking in as well, but every day that passes makes it a little clearer and a little easier to grasp. I sift through text messages and look back at things that I've said or ways that I've acted and I realize what a little bitch I'd been. "I really said that?" "Wow, I was totally being a dick." Vain attempts to maybe lessen the blow by making you mad at me. If I couldn't find the way to stop talking to you, I'd just MAKE you stop talking to me. Childish? Yeah, kind of. I know that leaving wasn't easy for you. I know you miss this place. But this is the most important thing you'll do. Detail every ounce of pain that you went through, chronicle it. You're gonna have to change everything you've made. You're gonna have to reword every metaphor you'd use, so that people who are hearing aren't confused. I would have left as well, if in your shoes. I would find a different way to go. There's no signs in life to guide you on that road. And if it's the most important thing you'll say, make sure they understand. Just don't forget about me. No matter where you go, make sure you leave something down to show the way back, wherever that may be. I'll be there waiting.