Being an addict of many forms, I find it increasingly more difficult to deal with menial, everyday situations. Let's face it; life is way less entertaining when sober. I fear that my need to be blitzed out of my skull at all hours of the day can and will place me in a situation where I'll be emotionally compromised. I'm slowly losing my mind. My outlook may be more grim then most, but the fault is not all mine. Okay, who am I kidding? It's all my fucking fault. Truth is, I'm tired of feeling this way. It's not in my personality to be depressed all the time. I've always considered myself a pretty happy individual. I try to be, anyway. I find it rather comical that I tend to give pretty decent advice about this sort of thing, yet can't seem to give any to myself. Or at least follow it. You see, for the past couple of weeks things have been pretty off in my life. For one, I quit smoking weed (again). For reals this time! I figured the best way to jump start my happiness was to change myself for the better. Not even for anyone in particular, just for ME. So I started working out again, and let me tell you, being a burn-out may have its up's, but it sure as fuck doesn't help with the whole cardio thing. I ran three miles and nearly stroked out. So, I quit smoking weed and have been a little more irritable towards the people around me; mainly my coworkers. Which brings me to my second point about not being particularly happy. Over the past few months I've been getting to know this person. I won't front, its a girl. Not just any girl though. Rumor has it that everyone has a subconscious list of 10 things they look for in people of the opposite sex. Now, most people are lucky if they find 3-4 things on their list in someone. This girl is a solid 8. So yeah, the kind of girl who's picture is in the dictionary next to the definition of the word incredible. I've become good friends with this girl, you know? Most guys only become friends with girls for one reason, usually. Because they want a piece of ass. Not at all what this is about. My curiosity in learning about what made this girl tick, sort of just naturally transgressed into me genuinely liking who she was as a person. The more I knew about her and the more we talked, the more I liked her. Wherein lies the dilemma. You see, like most of the time this has happened to any guy, the feelings weren't mutual. She had quickly become one of my best friends, and I went and ruined it by telling her how I felt about her. Pump the breaks, I didn't confess my undying love or anything. I merely told her I liked her as more than just friends. I'm not the kind of guy that's afraid of telling someone how I feel, but at the same time...I should have kept my fucking mouth shut. She may deny it all she wants, but things are far from the same. I know she won't confide in me the same way she used to for risk of "hurting my feelings". She likes someone else, and that is honestly okay. I'm not jealous in the least, I'm not that kind of person. I just wish she knew that. As fucking corny as it sounds, I just want her to be happy. Her liking someone else isn't even the shitty part. The shitty part is that I have become the guy I wrote about a few posts back. I'm the guy that would get texted "You're perfect for me", yet somehow still end up empty handed. And it's a shocker to her when I try and distance myself. I'm sorry if I started not being there anymore because it fucking sucks being a doormat. I've been trying to shrug this off for the better part of three weeks now, but it's not that easy. I've been trying to NOT make things weird, but I know the damage has already been done. It just feels different. Thing we would normally talk about, aren't being brought up. Oh, and that's if we actually even talk. Lately, our conversations are short and almost forced. I know she has a lot of shit to deal with as well, but I used to be the go-to guy! If anything was wrong, I'd be there to give my two-cents. Maybe I'm not the only one trying to distance myself though, you know? If I had to use a metaphor to describe this whole debacle, it's like a sheet of paper. You take a perfect sheet of paper and you crumple it up into a ball, right? You uncrumple it, and you still have a full sheet of paper, but no amount of work will ever make that sheet perfectly smooth again. See what the fuck I'm dealing with here?! It's heavy shit, man! Honestly though, all I really want is for things to go back to the way they were before. Reading this, you may be thinking that I'm a creep or that I'm in love. Let's not get ahead of ourselves here. Love...that's a whole different fucking story. Have you ever been in love? It's horrible. It makes you so fucking vulnerable. It opens up your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside of you and fuck you up. You build up all these defenses. Barriers. A whole suit of armor. For what reason? So no one can hurt you. Then one stupid person, no different from the plethora of stupid people you'll meet, wanders into your stupid life. And what do you do? You give them a piece of you. But they didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day like smile at you, and from that point on, your life isn't your own anymore. Why? Because love takes hostages. It gets inside of you. It eats you alive and leaves you crying in the darkness in your underwear, eating cold Chef Boyardee out of a fucking can, when a simple phrase like "Maybe we should just be friends" turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It penetrates the deepest recesses of your soul. A real "gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart" pain. Nothing should be able to do that, especially love. Whoa, you'll have to forgive my ranting, it's getting extremely late and I'm on the verge of collapsing into the comfort of my air mattress. Before I end this post however, I have to admit that I feel a ton better. Not just about my situation with said friend, but just better in general. For now, I'm taking it day by day. Trying to stay clean. Trying to get back into shape. Trying to not lose my mind. It's a tough job being me. Do I know what's going to happen? Not a fucking clue. There is one thing I'm certain of, and that's that everything happens for a reason. The universe tends to unfold itself as it should.
-Fabian
