Thursday, October 20, 2011

The winds of change.

Deja vu. I feel like I've been here before. Packing for a move, and becoming increasingly bored enough to want to stop and do something; anything else. So here I am, updating my blog on my porch. This porch that has served as a surrogate shrink. With it's musty, earthy smell. Rotting boards. Chipping paint. If this porch could speak, it would speak of heartaches and secrets shared. Of happiness. Of unbearable sadness. Of epiphanies, and of denials. This dirty, decrepit porch has become more for me than I ever would have imagined. I feel that it's fitting I do my final blog update in Utah on this porch. Out of respect. Out of gratitude. I've come here to get my mind off of the task at hand; if only for a little while. The day is absolutely gorgeous. A solid 65 degrees without a cloud in the sky. It makes the mountains next to this house that much more breathtaking. A myriad of the most vivid reds, yellows, and oranges against a backdrop of sky blue. Crazy to think that not even two weeks ago, this whole mountain side was a cornucopia of greens and browns. The winds autumn have arrived, and with them, the winds of change. If it's one thing I'll miss along with this porch, it'll be this view. The smells of wet trees after a downpour. The smell of burning firewood and autumn air. It's starting to finally sink in...that like these leaves, I too will change. In a week, I'll be leaving this place that I've grown to love, and despise. I will be turning from green to red. This move feels different than all of the rest, however. I'm in a zen-like state. I don't feel anything. I don't feel a great deal of joy, even though I think I should. I don't feel sad. To be honest, the only thing I really feel right now is annoyance. Aggravated that I have to pack up all my shit. I don't regret moving to Utah at all. I've learned a lot about myself. A lot about what kind of person I am. You think you have it all figured out, you know? You think you're a smug, clever guy and you have the world and everyone in it figured out. Then you meet that ONE person, man. That one person who takes every ill-conceived notion you've made about everything and they shatter them. They show you things about you you'd long forgotten, or didn't even know. And they don't even do it knowingly. It just happens one day when they smile at you and you look into their eyes. Or you find yourself divulging things long kept hidden, because that person has restored your faith and trust in people. This type of person only comes around once every few years, but when they do, the impact they make on you lasts until the day you die. I met that person in Utah. What the future holds for us is shrouded in uncertainty. People come and go from you life as seamlessly as these leaves transition with the seasons. What I do know, is with this knowledge acquired, I'm changing for the better. Utah, thank you so much for everything you've shown and taught me, but I feel as if I've over stayed my welcome.

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