In regards to myself.

Wow. It's been a quick minute since I've had the time or the yearning to update my blog. Let's just say...life has been "interesting" the past month and a half. A lot of what's transpired, I unfortunately can't and won't post in a public forum...too many people close to the situation would be a stone's throw away from reaching this blog, and thus my perspective enclosed within. What I will post, however, is how during these trials and tribulations my resolve was tested. Rigorously. To the point that I felt that I couldn't continue. And while I'm not 100% aboard the "God" train, I do wholeheartedly believe in the simplicity of the Karmic rule of "everything happening for a reason". That being said, a lot of what was happening around me were things that were, to put it simply, just out of my control. I didn't like the person all of this was changing me into. I was growing increasingly bitter. Resentful. Anxious. Depressed. Which, if memory serves, are things that I'm the complete opposite of. I've always been praised for my optimism, yet there was none to be found. I write this all in past tense for obvious reasons, by the way. I sat on my back porch about a week ago, which has become a sort of quasi-psychologist, and I tried to muddle through everything that was taking place. I was listening to music. I was trying to get lost in my thoughts, to maybe better understand how to step up to the plate and handle everything being thrown my way. I had an epiphany. It's like that saying goes: Life is like a table. On that table are countless glasses of water, and your job is to try and keep them all full, so everyone's happy. Therein lies the dilemma, however. At the same time, you need to keep your pitcher full of water, so you can fill everyone else up. In layman's terms? You can't make anyone else happy until you, yourself are happy. I tried convincing myself I was happy for a while. More so, I was trying to convince myself to BE happy. I just couldn't do it. I'm losing another friend in about a week, which is the second friend I've had to part ways with in four months. It's a difficult thing to try and come to terms with. Especially when you look back at everything you've been through with that person. It started with Apples to Apples. Mass consumption of Otter Pops. Late night smoke outs. Cinematic adventures. Poker games. Shameless. I was the kindred spirit, evolving slowly over time into a bit more. Mass consumption of Otter Pops turns into shoveling copious amounts of ice cream down our throats. Late night smoke outs still present. Jovial talks now talks about the future. Goals. Dreams. Aspirations. Fears. The more time you spend with someone, the more of their inner core is exposed. I've seen this person in a new light. I've seen this person break and I was there to try and pick the pieces up...when no one else would or cared enough to. I've seen this person struggle with everything that life was throwing their way. Heartache. Anxiety. Insurmountable amount of pressure. It's crazy...how much of a person's life can be dictated by a stupid game of Apples to Apples, you know? Fast forward. A year has come and gone in the blink of an eye. I'm sitting on that therapy porch, music blaring from my headphones, trying to find an answer. As much as it may pain me to see this person leave, under the circumstances, it's the only option. It's the best option. I would rather see someone I care about leave and swim to shallower waters, than stay just for the sake of staying...and drown. It took a lot of thinking to get to this state of mind that I'm in. I'm still sad, obviously. I've spent nearly every day for the past 3 months with this person. Which, amidst all of the turmoil, emotional roller coasters, and drama...I would do all over again. I'm still sad, yes, but I'm more excited than anything. I'm excited for this person to finally find some peace of mind and some fucking happiness, because no one on Earth deserves it more. I'm excited for this person to succeed and be all I know they can be. And you know what, I'm excited for me too. As soon as this person leaves, I have nothing of value invested in this God-awful state. Clean slate. It's time to get back on my paper chase. Back on my grind. I've renewed my sense of motivation and of optimism. I'm going to miss this person dearly, but I keep myself positive with the reaffirming thought that the universe will bring us together again someday. Someday. And until then, I'm going to start working on me to be all that I can be. Heh, I guess everything DOES happen for a reason.

-Fabian