The winds of change.

Deja vu. I feel like I've been here before. Packing for a move, and becoming increasingly bored enough to want to stop and do something; anything else. So here I am, updating my blog on my porch. This porch that has served as a surrogate shrink. With it's musty, earthy smell. Rotting boards. Chipping paint. If this porch could speak, it would speak of heartaches and secrets shared. Of happiness. Of unbearable sadness. Of epiphanies, and of denials. This dirty, decrepit porch has become more for me than I ever would have imagined. I feel that it's fitting I do my final blog update in Utah on this porch. Out of respect. Out of gratitude. I've come here to get my mind off of the task at hand; if only for a little while. The day is absolutely gorgeous. A solid 65 degrees without a cloud in the sky. It makes the mountains next to this house that much more breathtaking. A myriad of the most vivid reds, yellows, and oranges against a backdrop of sky blue. Crazy to think that not even two weeks ago, this whole mountain side was a cornucopia of greens and browns. The winds autumn have arrived, and with them, the winds of change. If it's one thing I'll miss along with this porch, it'll be this view. The smells of wet trees after a downpour. The smell of burning firewood and autumn air. It's starting to finally sink in...that like these leaves, I too will change. In a week, I'll be leaving this place that I've grown to love, and despise. I will be turning from green to red. This move feels different than all of the rest, however. I'm in a zen-like state. I don't feel anything. I don't feel a great deal of joy, even though I think I should. I don't feel sad. To be honest, the only thing I really feel right now is annoyance. Aggravated that I have to pack up all my shit. I don't regret moving to Utah at all. I've learned a lot about myself. A lot about what kind of person I am. You think you have it all figured out, you know? You think you're a smug, clever guy and you have the world and everyone in it figured out. Then you meet that ONE person, man. That one person who takes every ill-conceived notion you've made about everything and they shatter them. They show you things about you you'd long forgotten, or didn't even know. And they don't even do it knowingly. It just happens one day when they smile at you and you look into their eyes. Or you find yourself divulging things long kept hidden, because that person has restored your faith and trust in people. This type of person only comes around once every few years, but when they do, the impact they make on you lasts until the day you die. I met that person in Utah. What the future holds for us is shrouded in uncertainty. People come and go from you life as seamlessly as these leaves transition with the seasons. What I do know, is with this knowledge acquired, I'm changing for the better. Utah, thank you so much for everything you've shown and taught me, but I feel as if I've over stayed my welcome.

Moving, for the sake of motion.

As if by some cosmological twist of what some people refer to as "fate", it would appear that all signs point me back to Las Vegas. Ok, let me rephrase that. Everything is pointing me to move back to Vegas...sooner than I had originally planned. Typical Fabian. I have a knack for making the most eloquent and sophisticated of plans, and life has this knack for not giving a fuck and flipping the script on me. Almost as if I'm a child; building grandiose sand sculptures...only to have someone come kick it all down and tell me I should probably be looking for buried treasure instead. My original plan was to stay firmly planted in the state of Utah until late spring, giving myself enough time to amass a large amount of currency to be able to financially support myself if I were to have found myself jobless. Certain things have transpired recently, however, which are forcing me to abandon aforementioned plan and come up with Plan B: "Move back to Vegas at the end of the month." Part of me is super stoked to be moving back. Back to a place where the majority of things make sense to me. Where people are more diverse; and with said diversity, tend to be a tad bit more open-minded and to put it bluntly, more interesting. Utah people are about as exciting as American cheese and bologna on Wonder bread with mayo. I'm more of an "oven-roasted turkey breast and havarti/gouda cheese on freshly baked honey wheat bread, with a chipotle aoli" kind of guy, if you catch my drift. (The fact that I just turned my analogy of people into sandwiches is enough to attest to that) I'm moving back to a place where things don't close at 10pm. Where there is always some sort of late night adventure, just waiting to be explored. I'll also be about an hour away from my parents, which I know my mom is thrilled about. All these things aside, I'm also nervous. The move feels premature. I had chiseled it into my cranium that I would move at the end of the spring, so now I'm subconsciously worrying about my monetary situation. So what's making me change my plan, you may be wondering? My roommate Alex got the green light to transfer to the Las Vegas branch of the restaurant he works for, and he's been reluctantly staying in Utah for the past 2 years, so you could imagine his joy at the news of being able to transfer ASAP. With that said, he sure as shit wasn't moving by himself, and he's not really the kind of dude to just move in with a random roommate, so naturally I was hounded by him to move as well. I thought about it for a couple of days. Arduously. Nothing is really holding me to this state, so it really wouldn't make sense for me to stay any longer than I need to. I got the okay to transfer to an Outback out there as well, but I still can't shake this feeling of anxiety. I don't want to move and after all of my apartment fees are settled, be left with little to nothing. I've been a fuck up my entire life. Arguably by choice. Sure, I've gotten into some awesome shenanigans and met a grip of wonderful people, but I'm tired of doing things the wrong way. I'm 23 years old and I need to grow up and be a grown up. This move will make me or break me. My resolve's been tested more times than I can care to count, but I feel this trial is big. My life's on the line here, in a way. I've noticed I have this trend of saying that the universe will tend to unfold itself as it should. I solemnly believe that. However, I'm done just leaving it up to "fate" to decide my...well...fate. A man makes his own luck, and I'll be damned if I let my second shot at Vegas fail. Vegas, I hope you're ready for round two. I'm coming for your throat.

Stare like you'll stay.

You did. Our gazes locked for what seemed to be an eternity contained within a millisecond. Every fiber of my being wanted to implore you to stay. Every shred of common sense urged me to keep my mouth closed and let you go. So I did. You stared at me like you'd stay. Like I'd be seeing you the next day. You kissed me and you walked deftly into the night. It's been a month, and not a day's gone by that I haven't missed you. Your laugh. The way your hair smelled. Everything. Some days have been easier than others. Some days I'm bitter. Others, I'm completely and utterly oblivious to the fact you're no longer here. Almost like I'm blissfully ignorant, yeah? This isn't who I am, you know. From confident to self doubt. I don't like looking at my phone every two minutes to check if you've texted me. I'm not normally like that. I mean, I'm not that way with anyone else. Why you? What makes you so different? There are days when we don't even talk, but you'll cross my mind when I see something that reminds me of you, and I'll just quietly hope you're having a good day. Hope you're finding the things you left to go search for. Happiness? A renewed sense of self? I won't truly ever know the exact reasons for your departure, but whatever they may be, I often find myself wishing you the best of luck in fulfilling them. Surrounded by the people whom you've known longer than I can dream you'll know me. It's intimidating, in a way. Almost as if I'll never be up in that echelon, despite the fact that I'd move mountains to make sure you had a smile on your face. And that's slowly sinking in as well, but every day that passes makes it a little clearer and a little easier to grasp. I sift through text messages and look back at things that I've said or ways that I've acted and I realize what a little bitch I'd been. "I really said that?" "Wow, I was totally being a dick." Vain attempts to maybe lessen the blow by making you mad at me. If I couldn't find the way to stop talking to you, I'd just MAKE you stop talking to me. Childish? Yeah, kind of. I know that leaving wasn't easy for you. I know you miss this place. But this is the most important thing you'll do. Detail every ounce of pain that you went through, chronicle it. You're gonna have to change everything you've made. You're gonna have to reword every metaphor you'd use, so that people who are hearing aren't confused. I would have left as well, if in your shoes. I would find a different way to go. There's no signs in life to guide you on that road. And if it's the most important thing you'll say, make sure they understand. Just don't forget about me. No matter where you go, make sure you leave something down to show the way back, wherever that may be. I'll be there waiting.

In regards to myself.

Wow. It's been a quick minute since I've had the time or the yearning to update my blog. Let's just say...life has been "interesting" the past month and a half. A lot of what's transpired, I unfortunately can't and won't post in a public forum...too many people close to the situation would be a stone's throw away from reaching this blog, and thus my perspective enclosed within. What I will post, however, is how during these trials and tribulations my resolve was tested. Rigorously. To the point that I felt that I couldn't continue. And while I'm not 100% aboard the "God" train, I do wholeheartedly believe in the simplicity of the Karmic rule of "everything happening for a reason". That being said, a lot of what was happening around me were things that were, to put it simply, just out of my control. I didn't like the person all of this was changing me into. I was growing increasingly bitter. Resentful. Anxious. Depressed. Which, if memory serves, are things that I'm the complete opposite of. I've always been praised for my optimism, yet there was none to be found. I write this all in past tense for obvious reasons, by the way. I sat on my back porch about a week ago, which has become a sort of quasi-psychologist, and I tried to muddle through everything that was taking place. I was listening to music. I was trying to get lost in my thoughts, to maybe better understand how to step up to the plate and handle everything being thrown my way. I had an epiphany. It's like that saying goes: Life is like a table. On that table are countless glasses of water, and your job is to try and keep them all full, so everyone's happy. Therein lies the dilemma, however. At the same time, you need to keep your pitcher full of water, so you can fill everyone else up. In layman's terms? You can't make anyone else happy until you, yourself are happy. I tried convincing myself I was happy for a while. More so, I was trying to convince myself to BE happy. I just couldn't do it. I'm losing another friend in about a week, which is the second friend I've had to part ways with in four months. It's a difficult thing to try and come to terms with. Especially when you look back at everything you've been through with that person. It started with Apples to Apples. Mass consumption of Otter Pops. Late night smoke outs. Cinematic adventures. Poker games. Shameless. I was the kindred spirit, evolving slowly over time into a bit more. Mass consumption of Otter Pops turns into shoveling copious amounts of ice cream down our throats. Late night smoke outs still present. Jovial talks now talks about the future. Goals. Dreams. Aspirations. Fears. The more time you spend with someone, the more of their inner core is exposed. I've seen this person in a new light. I've seen this person break and I was there to try and pick the pieces up...when no one else would or cared enough to. I've seen this person struggle with everything that life was throwing their way. Heartache. Anxiety. Insurmountable amount of pressure. It's crazy...how much of a person's life can be dictated by a stupid game of Apples to Apples, you know? Fast forward. A year has come and gone in the blink of an eye. I'm sitting on that therapy porch, music blaring from my headphones, trying to find an answer. As much as it may pain me to see this person leave, under the circumstances, it's the only option. It's the best option. I would rather see someone I care about leave and swim to shallower waters, than stay just for the sake of staying...and drown. It took a lot of thinking to get to this state of mind that I'm in. I'm still sad, obviously. I've spent nearly every day for the past 3 months with this person. Which, amidst all of the turmoil, emotional roller coasters, and drama...I would do all over again. I'm still sad, yes, but I'm more excited than anything. I'm excited for this person to finally find some peace of mind and some fucking happiness, because no one on Earth deserves it more. I'm excited for this person to succeed and be all I know they can be. And you know what, I'm excited for me too. As soon as this person leaves, I have nothing of value invested in this God-awful state. Clean slate. It's time to get back on my paper chase. Back on my grind. I've renewed my sense of motivation and of optimism. I'm going to miss this person dearly, but I keep myself positive with the reaffirming thought that the universe will bring us together again someday. Someday. And until then, I'm going to start working on me to be all that I can be. Heh, I guess everything DOES happen for a reason.

-Fabian

Life?

Yes. Life. This is your life. Do what you love, and do it often. If you don't like something, change it. If you don't like your job, quit. If you don't have enough time, stop watching TV. If you are looking for the love of your life, stop; they will be waiting for you when you start doing things you love. Stop over analyzing, life is simple. All emotions are beautiful. ALL of them. When you eat, appreciate every last bite. Open your mind, arms, and heart to new things and people. We are united in our differences. Ask the next person you see what their passion is and share your inspiring dream with them. Travel often; getting lost will help you find yourself. Some opportunities only come once, seize them. Life is about the people you meet and the things you create with them, so go out and start creating. LIFE IS SHORT. Live your dream and share your passion. One love.

-Fabian

Another year older...

...another year wiser. My birthday was yesterday. Yesterday, June 13th, marks the 23rd year since I was born. It's kind of weird to think about, you know? Like, if you sit there and REALLY think about it, I've been alive for almost a quarter-century! A lot has happened in the twenty three years I've been alive. I've been through a lot of shit, seen a lot of things, and met a lot of people. Each and every good experience and misadventure has shaped and molded me into who I am today. My character, my views, philosophies, etc. I've never been one for birthdays, or at least, one to make a big deal about them. I feel as though its just another day. Yesterday was no different. I did my normal routine of early day work out to start, and about midday me and the crew went to Chipotle to eat. Came home, did some laundry, kicked it with Bryce, and later in the evening went and had dinner at Rooster's. Nothing too over the top or fancy. I didn't recieve any gifts, or better yet, any tangible gifts. I was able to talk to most of the people who matter the most in my life, and that's good enough for me. I was super happy with how many people sent me their love and birthday wishes my way. After dinner, I arrived home and made sure to thank everyone who wished me a happy birthday, and afterwards I decided to take a step outside and look up at the stars, to get lost in my thoughts. What impact have I made on the people closest to me in my twenty-three years of life? Like I've said, I've been to a lot of places and met countless people, very few of which I actually consider friends. How have I impacted their lives? How have they impacted mine? That's really what it's all about, right? Just like in that movie "Into the Wild". The protagonist goes on this trek to find himself and to find happiness...alone, only to realize that true happiness is only achieved when shared with others. If I were to die tomorrow, I really wouldn't have much to show for the life I've lived. I don't have a college degree, I don't have children to carry on my name or legacy...yet I feel as if I died tomorrow I'd be okay with how I lived my life. If I were given the option to redo my life differently, I wouldn't change a thing. I can say that without a shadow of a doubt. I think this way of thinking only comes from the maturity gained through life experiences and how they're handled. I can tell you for damn sure that eighteen-year-old Fabian and twenty-three-year-old Fabian are two totally different people. Sure, in essence I think I'll always be the goofy kid who likes to crack jokes, make people laugh, and all that good shit. That's in my personality. I definitely know that my views on people and the world in general are way different now than they were back when I was younger. Who knows how I'll view things in another three or four years, you know? As for right now, I'm riding this newly discovered wave of drive and determination. I may not have a degree or anything, which is cool, but I'm damn sure not waiting tables for the rest of my life. I'm hellbent on bettering my life and myself as a person. The rest should just fall into place after that, or at least I hope. So happy birthday Fabian. Here's to another good year full of success and happiness. Go me!

And the burning of bridges begins.

Life's been more than extraordinary for me lately. I'm finally out of the funk I was in a couple of months ago, which seemed almost never ending. My new-found productivity has just been spilling over into every facet of my life. I've been waking up extremely early every morning to work out with recently acquired friends. This in turn has made me realize how productive I can be, and has rejuvenated me. I feel phenomenal. I'm finally getting things done with time to spare, instead of my normal route of procrastination. I went for a hike yesterday. Adam's Canyon. It's a local trail that everyone seems to know about. The Fabian of two or three months ago would have sat in his room, blazing away and watching t.v or playing video games. Not anymore! I feel so good about myself now and my life as a whole. The old me is starting to be on the forefront. The Fabian who was ambitious and full of energy and life. We hiked up this fucking mountain for hours. It was difficult at times. I wanted to stop and rest, but I needed to prove to myself I could do it. I pushed myself and reaped the rewards of my hard work; a view of a 100 foot waterfall. Not to mention that I was surrounded by the people I've grown to love here in Utah. My surrogate family. The people I would do anything for. Which brings me to my point. I've realized how shady and manipulative some people really are, hiding behind a facade of humility and sincerity. My perspective on life has been slowly changing, and this clarity makes it easy to see who my real friends are. Friends that would do anything for ME, much the same as I would do for them. Friends who aren't situational friends; meaning those kind of people who tend to only hit you up when THEY need something or when THEY have a problem. Call this a rant, but I'm trying to rid myself of the negative aspects of my life, starting with these kind of people. Truth be told, I only have myself to blame for associating myself with those kind of people, hoping that I'd be wrong about them but knowing deep down I'm not. Fuck spring cleaning, this is a summer purge. I'm burning these bridges and not glancing back. I'm slowly molding my life into what I want it to be, and they won't be a part of it. And you know what? I'm more than okay with that. I'll stay true to my real friends and surround myself with positivity. This is the start of something big. I can feel it. Let's see what the universe has in store for me.