The Rager, the Menace.

I haven't updated this blog in so long. Thanksgiving was my last post? Really? I've been slacking, for real. Let's see...where to start? A few things have happened between Thanksgiving and now, most notably the Trooper deciding to take a dump on my chest...again. Totally my fault too. Apparently cars need oil to run? Who knew? Luckily, mom and pops were clutch with the save, lending me one of their cars until I got mine fixed. So for the past couple of months I've been getting around in my dad's 95' Chevy Astro Van. She may not be the prettiest thing on the road, but damn it, Bertha's (totally named it Bertha) getting me from A to B right now and that's good enough for me. I'm super thankful that my parent's were nice enough to lend me some wheels to get around with, you know? I could be taking the bus everyday, so I guess there's always some sort of positivity in the shittiest of situations. I'd been saving some money to get the Trooper fixed, but I figured it'd be better in the long run to just use the money I could save up towards a down payment on a newer vehicle. I've been saving since the Trooper broke down two months ago, so next week my parents and I are heading out to Henderson and gettin' this guy a car! That's definitely a whole bunch of stress lifted off of my shoulders. Ever since my car broke down, I'd been stressing out about what my next move needed to be. The fact that I'm going next week to purchase a car is the first bit of good news I've received in a while. Love Bertha, but I'm not pullin' any numbers in a faded blue rapist-van, ya dig? Other than my car situation, things have more or less been the same. I quit my job at Outback in January. The employees and management there were super chill, but unfortunately the twenty mile round trip drive to and from work was costing more than what I was making, so I found myself another job and quit the O.B! I've been doing very well financially since I switched jobs, so no regrets there. I did have to part ways with some people, though. It wasn't an easy thing for me to do, but I feel that things are better off that way. I'd been feeling kinda bummed out about it for a while, and maybe second guessing my decision until I made a trip to Cedar City a couple weeks back to visit one of my best friends. While there, I was able to really get into my head. I mean REALLY get deep down in there, man. I made realizations about so many aspects of my life and how I could tweak minor things here and there to better myself and my life as a whole. I also realized that the closest of friends can become nothing more than someone you brush shoulders with on a busy sidewalk. One of my many epiphanies was that I cut ties with the people that I did because that's what's best for me. My zealously blind selflessness gets misconstrued to the point where I get taken advantage of, and you know what, maybe that's on me. Maybe not. Regardless, I'm tired of feeling used, and I'm sure as hell tired of feeling second best, so I've taken the necessary steps to ensure I don't feel that way anymore. See? Minor tweak to improve my quality of life! Now, if only I could figure out my love life...

Obligatory Thanksgiving Blog Post

When I was younger, I never really liked Thanksgiving. The older I get though, the more I appreciate the holiday for what it's actually supposed to be. It's more than just cramming poultry and stuffing into your skull. It's about giving thanks, go figure. Acknowledging and appreciating the people in your life. Counting your blessings, whatever or however big or small they may be. The beauty of Thanksgiving is that you don't need to present a flashy gift to your loved ones. Being around the people that matter most to you, and who you matter to, that's what it's all about. It's about taking ONE day out of the year to slow the fuck down. I listen to people speak about their lives with such disdain. As if their petty, materialistic problems were at all as world shattering as they play them out to be. Be thankful for what you have. Hell, the fact that you're even reading this right now means you have some sort of internet access. That in itself shows you have it better than at least 70% of the world. I'm going to keep this post nice and simple: I'm thankful for my family. My mom and dad who've worked so hard for what they have and for what they've given me. I have parents who actually care about my sister and I, and I know there are people out there who can't say the same about their parents. I have a sister who may be the polar opposite of me, but who continues to show me that hard work and determination pays off. My friends, most of which I have met through my travels. My surrogate family. I am thankful to have been able to meet and create incredible memories with some of the most amazing people. Genuinely good people. Life has taken us down different paths for the time being, but I still carry each and every one of them in my heart. They have been there for me when my family couldn't. They've helped me learn a great deal about myself. For that, I'll be eternally grateful. So here's to you, blog reader. The food may be amazing, but remember to thank the person who spent all day busting their ass to make it. Take a second to step outside and take a deep breath. Detach yourself from the distractions that may be clouding your mind. Spend as much time with the people who matter most to you. You'll regret not doing it when you aren't able to anymore.

The winds of change.

Deja vu. I feel like I've been here before. Packing for a move, and becoming increasingly bored enough to want to stop and do something; anything else. So here I am, updating my blog on my porch. This porch that has served as a surrogate shrink. With it's musty, earthy smell. Rotting boards. Chipping paint. If this porch could speak, it would speak of heartaches and secrets shared. Of happiness. Of unbearable sadness. Of epiphanies, and of denials. This dirty, decrepit porch has become more for me than I ever would have imagined. I feel that it's fitting I do my final blog update in Utah on this porch. Out of respect. Out of gratitude. I've come here to get my mind off of the task at hand; if only for a little while. The day is absolutely gorgeous. A solid 65 degrees without a cloud in the sky. It makes the mountains next to this house that much more breathtaking. A myriad of the most vivid reds, yellows, and oranges against a backdrop of sky blue. Crazy to think that not even two weeks ago, this whole mountain side was a cornucopia of greens and browns. The winds autumn have arrived, and with them, the winds of change. If it's one thing I'll miss along with this porch, it'll be this view. The smells of wet trees after a downpour. The smell of burning firewood and autumn air. It's starting to finally sink in...that like these leaves, I too will change. In a week, I'll be leaving this place that I've grown to love, and despise. I will be turning from green to red. This move feels different than all of the rest, however. I'm in a zen-like state. I don't feel anything. I don't feel a great deal of joy, even though I think I should. I don't feel sad. To be honest, the only thing I really feel right now is annoyance. Aggravated that I have to pack up all my shit. I don't regret moving to Utah at all. I've learned a lot about myself. A lot about what kind of person I am. You think you have it all figured out, you know? You think you're a smug, clever guy and you have the world and everyone in it figured out. Then you meet that ONE person, man. That one person who takes every ill-conceived notion you've made about everything and they shatter them. They show you things about you you'd long forgotten, or didn't even know. And they don't even do it knowingly. It just happens one day when they smile at you and you look into their eyes. Or you find yourself divulging things long kept hidden, because that person has restored your faith and trust in people. This type of person only comes around once every few years, but when they do, the impact they make on you lasts until the day you die. I met that person in Utah. What the future holds for us is shrouded in uncertainty. People come and go from you life as seamlessly as these leaves transition with the seasons. What I do know, is with this knowledge acquired, I'm changing for the better. Utah, thank you so much for everything you've shown and taught me, but I feel as if I've over stayed my welcome.

Moving, for the sake of motion.

As if by some cosmological twist of what some people refer to as "fate", it would appear that all signs point me back to Las Vegas. Ok, let me rephrase that. Everything is pointing me to move back to Vegas...sooner than I had originally planned. Typical Fabian. I have a knack for making the most eloquent and sophisticated of plans, and life has this knack for not giving a fuck and flipping the script on me. Almost as if I'm a child; building grandiose sand sculptures...only to have someone come kick it all down and tell me I should probably be looking for buried treasure instead. My original plan was to stay firmly planted in the state of Utah until late spring, giving myself enough time to amass a large amount of currency to be able to financially support myself if I were to have found myself jobless. Certain things have transpired recently, however, which are forcing me to abandon aforementioned plan and come up with Plan B: "Move back to Vegas at the end of the month." Part of me is super stoked to be moving back. Back to a place where the majority of things make sense to me. Where people are more diverse; and with said diversity, tend to be a tad bit more open-minded and to put it bluntly, more interesting. Utah people are about as exciting as American cheese and bologna on Wonder bread with mayo. I'm more of an "oven-roasted turkey breast and havarti/gouda cheese on freshly baked honey wheat bread, with a chipotle aoli" kind of guy, if you catch my drift. (The fact that I just turned my analogy of people into sandwiches is enough to attest to that) I'm moving back to a place where things don't close at 10pm. Where there is always some sort of late night adventure, just waiting to be explored. I'll also be about an hour away from my parents, which I know my mom is thrilled about. All these things aside, I'm also nervous. The move feels premature. I had chiseled it into my cranium that I would move at the end of the spring, so now I'm subconsciously worrying about my monetary situation. So what's making me change my plan, you may be wondering? My roommate Alex got the green light to transfer to the Las Vegas branch of the restaurant he works for, and he's been reluctantly staying in Utah for the past 2 years, so you could imagine his joy at the news of being able to transfer ASAP. With that said, he sure as shit wasn't moving by himself, and he's not really the kind of dude to just move in with a random roommate, so naturally I was hounded by him to move as well. I thought about it for a couple of days. Arduously. Nothing is really holding me to this state, so it really wouldn't make sense for me to stay any longer than I need to. I got the okay to transfer to an Outback out there as well, but I still can't shake this feeling of anxiety. I don't want to move and after all of my apartment fees are settled, be left with little to nothing. I've been a fuck up my entire life. Arguably by choice. Sure, I've gotten into some awesome shenanigans and met a grip of wonderful people, but I'm tired of doing things the wrong way. I'm 23 years old and I need to grow up and be a grown up. This move will make me or break me. My resolve's been tested more times than I can care to count, but I feel this trial is big. My life's on the line here, in a way. I've noticed I have this trend of saying that the universe will tend to unfold itself as it should. I solemnly believe that. However, I'm done just leaving it up to "fate" to decide my...well...fate. A man makes his own luck, and I'll be damned if I let my second shot at Vegas fail. Vegas, I hope you're ready for round two. I'm coming for your throat.

Stare like you'll stay.

You did. Our gazes locked for what seemed to be an eternity contained within a millisecond. Every fiber of my being wanted to implore you to stay. Every shred of common sense urged me to keep my mouth closed and let you go. So I did. You stared at me like you'd stay. Like I'd be seeing you the next day. You kissed me and you walked deftly into the night. It's been a month, and not a day's gone by that I haven't missed you. Your laugh. The way your hair smelled. Everything. Some days have been easier than others. Some days I'm bitter. Others, I'm completely and utterly oblivious to the fact you're no longer here. Almost like I'm blissfully ignorant, yeah? This isn't who I am, you know. From confident to self doubt. I don't like looking at my phone every two minutes to check if you've texted me. I'm not normally like that. I mean, I'm not that way with anyone else. Why you? What makes you so different? There are days when we don't even talk, but you'll cross my mind when I see something that reminds me of you, and I'll just quietly hope you're having a good day. Hope you're finding the things you left to go search for. Happiness? A renewed sense of self? I won't truly ever know the exact reasons for your departure, but whatever they may be, I often find myself wishing you the best of luck in fulfilling them. Surrounded by the people whom you've known longer than I can dream you'll know me. It's intimidating, in a way. Almost as if I'll never be up in that echelon, despite the fact that I'd move mountains to make sure you had a smile on your face. And that's slowly sinking in as well, but every day that passes makes it a little clearer and a little easier to grasp. I sift through text messages and look back at things that I've said or ways that I've acted and I realize what a little bitch I'd been. "I really said that?" "Wow, I was totally being a dick." Vain attempts to maybe lessen the blow by making you mad at me. If I couldn't find the way to stop talking to you, I'd just MAKE you stop talking to me. Childish? Yeah, kind of. I know that leaving wasn't easy for you. I know you miss this place. But this is the most important thing you'll do. Detail every ounce of pain that you went through, chronicle it. You're gonna have to change everything you've made. You're gonna have to reword every metaphor you'd use, so that people who are hearing aren't confused. I would have left as well, if in your shoes. I would find a different way to go. There's no signs in life to guide you on that road. And if it's the most important thing you'll say, make sure they understand. Just don't forget about me. No matter where you go, make sure you leave something down to show the way back, wherever that may be. I'll be there waiting.

In regards to myself.

Wow. It's been a quick minute since I've had the time or the yearning to update my blog. Let's just say...life has been "interesting" the past month and a half. A lot of what's transpired, I unfortunately can't and won't post in a public forum...too many people close to the situation would be a stone's throw away from reaching this blog, and thus my perspective enclosed within. What I will post, however, is how during these trials and tribulations my resolve was tested. Rigorously. To the point that I felt that I couldn't continue. And while I'm not 100% aboard the "God" train, I do wholeheartedly believe in the simplicity of the Karmic rule of "everything happening for a reason". That being said, a lot of what was happening around me were things that were, to put it simply, just out of my control. I didn't like the person all of this was changing me into. I was growing increasingly bitter. Resentful. Anxious. Depressed. Which, if memory serves, are things that I'm the complete opposite of. I've always been praised for my optimism, yet there was none to be found. I write this all in past tense for obvious reasons, by the way. I sat on my back porch about a week ago, which has become a sort of quasi-psychologist, and I tried to muddle through everything that was taking place. I was listening to music. I was trying to get lost in my thoughts, to maybe better understand how to step up to the plate and handle everything being thrown my way. I had an epiphany. It's like that saying goes: Life is like a table. On that table are countless glasses of water, and your job is to try and keep them all full, so everyone's happy. Therein lies the dilemma, however. At the same time, you need to keep your pitcher full of water, so you can fill everyone else up. In layman's terms? You can't make anyone else happy until you, yourself are happy. I tried convincing myself I was happy for a while. More so, I was trying to convince myself to BE happy. I just couldn't do it. I'm losing another friend in about a week, which is the second friend I've had to part ways with in four months. It's a difficult thing to try and come to terms with. Especially when you look back at everything you've been through with that person. It started with Apples to Apples. Mass consumption of Otter Pops. Late night smoke outs. Cinematic adventures. Poker games. Shameless. I was the kindred spirit, evolving slowly over time into a bit more. Mass consumption of Otter Pops turns into shoveling copious amounts of ice cream down our throats. Late night smoke outs still present. Jovial talks now talks about the future. Goals. Dreams. Aspirations. Fears. The more time you spend with someone, the more of their inner core is exposed. I've seen this person in a new light. I've seen this person break and I was there to try and pick the pieces up...when no one else would or cared enough to. I've seen this person struggle with everything that life was throwing their way. Heartache. Anxiety. Insurmountable amount of pressure. It's crazy...how much of a person's life can be dictated by a stupid game of Apples to Apples, you know? Fast forward. A year has come and gone in the blink of an eye. I'm sitting on that therapy porch, music blaring from my headphones, trying to find an answer. As much as it may pain me to see this person leave, under the circumstances, it's the only option. It's the best option. I would rather see someone I care about leave and swim to shallower waters, than stay just for the sake of staying...and drown. It took a lot of thinking to get to this state of mind that I'm in. I'm still sad, obviously. I've spent nearly every day for the past 3 months with this person. Which, amidst all of the turmoil, emotional roller coasters, and drama...I would do all over again. I'm still sad, yes, but I'm more excited than anything. I'm excited for this person to finally find some peace of mind and some fucking happiness, because no one on Earth deserves it more. I'm excited for this person to succeed and be all I know they can be. And you know what, I'm excited for me too. As soon as this person leaves, I have nothing of value invested in this God-awful state. Clean slate. It's time to get back on my paper chase. Back on my grind. I've renewed my sense of motivation and of optimism. I'm going to miss this person dearly, but I keep myself positive with the reaffirming thought that the universe will bring us together again someday. Someday. And until then, I'm going to start working on me to be all that I can be. Heh, I guess everything DOES happen for a reason.

-Fabian

Life?

Yes. Life. This is your life. Do what you love, and do it often. If you don't like something, change it. If you don't like your job, quit. If you don't have enough time, stop watching TV. If you are looking for the love of your life, stop; they will be waiting for you when you start doing things you love. Stop over analyzing, life is simple. All emotions are beautiful. ALL of them. When you eat, appreciate every last bite. Open your mind, arms, and heart to new things and people. We are united in our differences. Ask the next person you see what their passion is and share your inspiring dream with them. Travel often; getting lost will help you find yourself. Some opportunities only come once, seize them. Life is about the people you meet and the things you create with them, so go out and start creating. LIFE IS SHORT. Live your dream and share your passion. One love.

-Fabian